Letting it all out
Do you ever get to that point where you have so many troubles & worries built up inside that you're afraid to let them out? You're afraid that if you told someone, you would overload them or worse, they might tell you just to suck it up & it's not that bad. I get that way a lot it seems. I don't have very many people to confide in & even those few only get the sweetened version. To be honest, I know full well that is my fault for not opening up. I will listen all day long to everyone elses problems & take them on with such concern that they become my own, but when it comes to my dark days, I tend to tell myself that everyone else has their own problems so they don't need to hear mine too. Why do I do this? It's not pride. I willingly admit I'm not perfect & I don't have all the answers. On the other hand, I fear that people will no longer want to depend on me or even come to me if they were to see that my world is in chaos and disarray. I want so badly to be a good servant of God that I want every part of me to be useful. How can I be useful if my own life seems out of control? I'm using the first person "I" this time instead of speaking about everyone because this is a problem I am personally struggling with & I'm letting it out in honesty. I know I'm not the only woman on earth with this problem, but I have learned I tend to mask my own problems under a blanket of the masses. If I can't be honest, then who would even want to read what I have to say?
At this chapter in my life & in my Christianity, God has removed things I tried to control & has brought me before the mirror of life. So far, He has clearly pointed out that if I want His peace, I must be honest with myself that I truly need it. No more pretending I'm fine when I'm crumbling inside. No more hiding my own struggles behind the struggles of others. No more pretending I'm super woman on the outside when I'm drowning on the inside. No more mask. No more hiding. If I want to be free then I must allow my whole self to be free. I have been a slave for so long to playing the part of what I think others need me to be, that I have failed to enjoy the freedom that I tell others they can have in Christ. Don't misunderstand what I'm saying. I have a deep rooted joy that does not change with my moods, but sometimes my mask prevents me from living the full depth of that joy. I know that having joy in Christ does not mean I won't struggle or cry or be frustrated some days. I know that peace doesn't mean that I won't get angry or have sleepless nights. What I'm struggling to fully comprehend is how I can be all of that while still allowing Christ to show in my life. I'm so afraid I will give someone the wrong impression of just how much Christ means to me that I'm afraid to show any emotion other than "I'm so happy & I never have problems". I can't say that I've learned just how to handle all of this, but I do believe it's a step by step process God is teaching me. So far I'm learning that in order to give it to Him I have to be honest about just what I'm giving. The general prayer of " God take it all" doesn't cut it anymore. I know He knows what it is I can't handle, but I get the sense He wants me to know what it is I can't handle. It's one thing to say "I can't live without you God", it's another to say " I can't do this & this& this & this & even that without you God". Being humble is more than just having a servant attitude, it's having an honest attitude. I must admit I can't in order to learn He can.
So why am I writing all of this? It's my first step in getting honest. There is no Strugglers Anonymous group for me to join so this will have to do. My next step is taking a deep breath & forming the words to admit what problems I'm struggling with. That might have to wait for another time. Not enough courage nor enough words to express it all to the masses. I'll take this as a baby step to just admit that yes, I too have problems in my life & I don't have it all under control like I'd like to pretend I do. Through God's grace I will soon gather the courage to continue being honest with myself & with others.
At this chapter in my life & in my Christianity, God has removed things I tried to control & has brought me before the mirror of life. So far, He has clearly pointed out that if I want His peace, I must be honest with myself that I truly need it. No more pretending I'm fine when I'm crumbling inside. No more hiding my own struggles behind the struggles of others. No more pretending I'm super woman on the outside when I'm drowning on the inside. No more mask. No more hiding. If I want to be free then I must allow my whole self to be free. I have been a slave for so long to playing the part of what I think others need me to be, that I have failed to enjoy the freedom that I tell others they can have in Christ. Don't misunderstand what I'm saying. I have a deep rooted joy that does not change with my moods, but sometimes my mask prevents me from living the full depth of that joy. I know that having joy in Christ does not mean I won't struggle or cry or be frustrated some days. I know that peace doesn't mean that I won't get angry or have sleepless nights. What I'm struggling to fully comprehend is how I can be all of that while still allowing Christ to show in my life. I'm so afraid I will give someone the wrong impression of just how much Christ means to me that I'm afraid to show any emotion other than "I'm so happy & I never have problems". I can't say that I've learned just how to handle all of this, but I do believe it's a step by step process God is teaching me. So far I'm learning that in order to give it to Him I have to be honest about just what I'm giving. The general prayer of " God take it all" doesn't cut it anymore. I know He knows what it is I can't handle, but I get the sense He wants me to know what it is I can't handle. It's one thing to say "I can't live without you God", it's another to say " I can't do this & this& this & this & even that without you God". Being humble is more than just having a servant attitude, it's having an honest attitude. I must admit I can't in order to learn He can.
So why am I writing all of this? It's my first step in getting honest. There is no Strugglers Anonymous group for me to join so this will have to do. My next step is taking a deep breath & forming the words to admit what problems I'm struggling with. That might have to wait for another time. Not enough courage nor enough words to express it all to the masses. I'll take this as a baby step to just admit that yes, I too have problems in my life & I don't have it all under control like I'd like to pretend I do. Through God's grace I will soon gather the courage to continue being honest with myself & with others.
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