Foster Care Reflections: In the Aftermath

What happens when you can't stop judging yourself for all that you've done wrong? What happens when you can't get up out of your closet floor because you're too afraid to make another decision or look your kids in the eye? What happens when you can't figure out if you did more harm than good when every moment counts? What happens when you're already done today because you gave it all yesterday trying to prevent an emotionally explosive volcano from erupting onto everyone in the household? What happens the day after you feel you failed to hold it all together.... again?
If you don't live this life, you're probably wondering how I can say all of these things and still encourage others to do this foster care life. You're probably wondering why I want to do this life. Some days, like the aftermath days, I ask myself the same question. These are the days where I'm licking my wounds and questioning every moment of the day before and preparing myself for the next storm which I know is just around the corner. These are the days when I draw close to God because I just need Him to draw closer to me. He's the only one that can keep this ship afloat when the waves comes crashing down,
Behind closed doors, this life is terribly hard. Behind closed doors, we all admit we hate foster care, but we love the people in it. We hate the system and the brokenness and all the pain, but we love the hearts we find in the rubble. It's love and it's war and there is just no easy way to do it. You jump in head first and you break your heart on the lives you fall in to. It's a beautiful mess and some days it nearly kills you.
Throw in special needs, emotional wreckage, multiple traumas and you have a recipe for disaster. Hurricane season is ongoing here. I wonder if I will ever stop feeling like I'm doing this wrong. I wonder if there will ever come a day when I won't sit in my floor the day after asking God if He's sure He wants me for this child. I hope against hope for that day. Today is not that day. Today, I just need to not be so strong. Today I just need for the world to stop turning so I can catch my breath. Today I just need a moment to process. Today I just need a hug that lasts all day.
I hate foster care, but I love these kids. I hate the situation but I love the people. I hate the hurt and pain but I love what God is doing. As moms, we never quite feel like we're doing any of it right. We always feel like we've messed something up. The hardest part is looking ourselves in the mirror and offering the same grace and forgiveness that we give to our children. It's learning from mistakes but not dwelling on the past. It's facing forward without missing the now. Basically, it's everything, right?
But I know tomorrow will come and we'll move on like we've done a thousand times. We'll pick up the pieces and we'll begin rebuilding what was broken. Tomorrow it will be as if nothing ever happened minus the mental scar that gets etched every time. We'll smile, we'll laugh, we'll walk on tippy toes until the waters have calmed completely. The cycle will begin again. I know what happens tomorrow. So when you ask how I am and I say "I'm fine" it's because I know I will be. I know IT will be. Tomorrow it will be fine. But today, well, today is mom's day to secretly not be okay. And that is perfectly okay because everyone needs a day to just not be okay, especially in this line of work.