What I Learned By Doing Nothing

Last week I got to leave everything behind and just be present with my family during Fall break. If you know me at all then you know that is completely against my nature. I DO NOT leave everything behind to relax. In fact, that is the opposite of relaxation in my playbook. I'm not type A, I'm type neurotic with a touch of crazy. This does not make me the most pleasant person to be around at home especially when every day is like opening day at the circus. So one of my constant prayers has been for God to completely and absolutely empty me of me. I have been praying for a complete revival within this momma heart because when you know you need it, you know. And I've known for a while that I needed it. 

I began studying Romans before we left for our trip and I'll be honest, at first I was a bit disappointed because I just wasn't "feeling" it. Naturally, I beat myself up even more for being such a wretched person that God's Word was not changing me!! :) Here's a side note about a stressed-out brain. When we are stressed our body releases this thing called cortisol and it makes our brains super cloudy where we can't think straight. It's why when you're already running late you simply can't find your keys that are right in front of you even though you "looked in that exact spot" 15 times! So, during Fall break we went camping and hiking and stared at the stars and I relaxed completely. I could literally feel my body become lighter and my mind clear! Suddenly things I had read in Romans began to flood my brain while walking down the trail and it all began to make sense. Since we've been home I've been reading it in much smaller pieces because it is has been so transforming. For example, when I read in Romans 3:10 "There is no one who is righteous, not even one" it hit me so hard I cried for so many reasons. I AM ONE OF THOSE. I was reminded SO HARD again that it is absolutely pointless for me to worry and fret and work to win my salvation which is the rut I get into and God absolutely loved me before I even tried. I cannot fathom a love like this ya'll, I can't. It's too big for me to comprehend. I cry and cry when I try to take it into my brain. But it is also the most heart cleansing thing to ever be poured into my life. (I've learned many more things, but I will have to share in future posts otherwise this will turn into a novel!)

This break, when I let down my guard and I quit working so hard, I was able to just be present. I was able to stop "doing" and just be available in what He was doing. What I walked away with was so much conviction in my sin of obstruction in His good works and a deeper desire to just get lost in Him. I've realized what anxiety can steal. I've realized what worry can ruin. I know all too well what trauma from the past can lay bare in our lives, but I don't want to let it take one more moment from me or what God has designed for my life to be. One thing that has struck me about Paul's life is how his life was always contingent on God's will. Whether it was preaching the Gospel somewhere, the removal of "the thorn", or even visiting the church in Rome which he wanted to do so desperately, it was always according to the will of God never his own. I was so convicted. Why on earth would I not be handing the map to God on this journey and just saying "tell me where to turn, I'm following you" like EVERY SINGLE DAY?

The suffocating fear and the weight of worry that comes with every panic attack is why I don't. So I had a decision to make. I would either go round and round in circles fighting the battle every other moment and never win or I would learn to fight the right way. One day it clicked as I heard someone talking about fasting and how they let the hunger pains be their signal to crave more of God. I thought, 'why not let my panic attack be my signal that I need more of God!' Just like that I began fighting not by myself, but with an entire army of angels. Whenever my heart begins to race and I cannot breath, whenever my mind becomes cloudy and I just want to cry, I escape wherever I can and I open my Bible to my few treasured verses. I cry out to God because He knows. HE KNOWS. I don't read because I need answers, I read because I need Him. I need just Him, all of Him and none of me. I want to take in all of Him and I crave it like my body craves air. This doesn't mean that all my anxiety is gone, it means I'm no longer fighting the darkness alone. It means that every time I begin to stress and panic I don't have to worry even more that it will overtake me. It means that when fear threatens to drown me, I can reach out and HE pulls me back up where I can breathe again. 

I, even I, am He who comforts you.
Who are you that you are afraid of man who dies
And of the son of man who is made like grass,
That you have forgotten the Lord your Maker,
Who stretched out the heavens
And laid the foundations of the earth,
That you fear continually all day long because of the fury of the oppressor,
As he makes ready to destroy?
But where is the fury of the oppressor? Isaiah 51:12-13