Yes, I sin

I admit that I sin. Yes, I am a Christian, and yes, I still sin. Sometimes I give into temptation, not because I have any desire to follow satan, but because in my busyness, I pay no attention to whose voice I'm listening to. I begin listening to the desires of my flesh instead of the desires of my heart. My flesh craves destruction, but my heart craves holiness What shall I do then? I cannot remove my heart from my body. It seems what I need is to keep growing in faith and understanding of God's will. I need to always be praying for wisdom to discern between what's godly and what is ungodly. I need to discipline my body to be so tuned into God that fleshly desires only sound like static. I wish this was easier and that I was that mature of a Christian right now. But I have to accept and acknowledge that I am not. I have to admit to my weaknesses if I ever hope to conquer them. It's embarrassing to admit my weaknesses. I guess that's why confessing our sins one to another is so hard. But just because we don't speak about them, doesn't mean they are not there. God has seen all, even the sins of my heart. If there is no where I can go and not find God, then there is no where I can go to hide from Him either.

I want so desperately to please God, but I don't always do so. I want so, so badly to never sin again, but I do. It's a constant battle, an ongoing war inside myself. I have learned since becoming a Christian that I must slow down, take each day as it comes, and not get ahead of God. I was meant to follow Him, not Him to follow me. Who am I that I should know better than the Almighty God? I am a lowly human being, a sinner. I am not even worthy to call Him my Father. I need to put myself back in my place, at the bottom. There is only one God and I am not it. I need to be more humble and put others above me as we are commanded. I find it's impossible to look down on others if I'm the one on the bottom. I have begun to realize and accept that others do not sin the way I do, they do not always praise God the way I do, and they do not always change their lives the way I do. We are not cookie cutter Christians, I conclude. Some turn to God quickly, others have a much tougher time and come later. I cannot force others to follow Christ, just as Christ himself never forced anyone to follow Him. I must be patient, as God is patient. I must keep up the pursuit, no matter how long it continues. The best advice for a Christian that I have heard is, NEVER give up. It may take til the last hour to change some of the slowest hearts. God will rejoice that they came, not how fast they came. I personally have learned that when I try to make others turn to God quickly, they turn just as quickly away. It's not about just getting them into the water, it's about getting them into Heaven. We need to sow seeds carefully, with much attention. We need to water and care for them, but allow God to give the increase. Only then will they be ripe for the harvest.

I don't use patience as an excuse for my lack of diligence, those excuses are much easier to swallow. I cannot reap what I have not sown and I cannot eat what I have not grown. I must be diligent in my mission, but I must also be patient in my mission. As my good friend once said, 'You're on God's time now'. I must also be patient with myself. God is still working on me and molding me into who HE wants me to be. It may be fast, it may be slow, only God knows. I must thankfully accept every drop of wisdom He gives me and grow from it. Every ounce of understanding I gleam from Him and His Word feeds me and makes me stronger. As a baby grows from milk, so must I grow and be nourished by God's Word.

I must start learning from my sin instead of hiding it or beating myself up about it, both of which delay growth rather than encourage it. In learning from my sin and learning why I sin, I'm beginning to understand others and their sin better. Not only am I understanding why they sin too, I'm also learning how to encourage and guide them away from sin. The evil that is so abundant in this world used to be beyond my scope of understanding. But when I took the question of 'Why do they keep doing it' and turned it on myself as 'Why do I keep doing it', the answers began to flood in. I have to accept what's wrong with me before I can understand how to correct and change it. Like with AA, the first step is to admit you have a problem.