Foster Care Reflections: When it's Time to Disrupt

I had read so many stories of families who have had to break placement and I always wondered what it would take for me to do it. Where was the line that someone could not cross? What would I feel that would make me do it? I looked at breaking placement like divorce, I was determined not to do it...I'm sure everyone says that too.

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Here I sit awash with more emotions than I can possibly digest. I haven't showered in 2 days...I haven't even brushed my hair in 2 days. I'm on high alert and worried about what might happen next as we wait for the children in our care to be picked up in another 36 hours. I cannot afford the luxury of deep breaths.

Be strong and courageous.

The line that I could not define 3 days ago was clearly spelled out in a flash. I knew in an instant and in the most sickening feeling of my gut that the children I had been loving as my own could not remain in my care. I was as sure about that as I was about taking them in the first place. I had to put plans into place for the protection of everyone in the house. I went into autopilot and did what needed to be done.

Do Not be afraid.

Autopilot is great when it can shut off feelings and just get things done, but eventually, the heartache breaks through. It insists on being heard and dealt with. The moment spilled out when I had to look children in the face and tell them I loved them too much to keep them someplace they shouldn't be. Children who I committed to love and guide and teach. Children who I saw hurting and lost.  To watch tears flow and still tell them they had to leave. To try through your own tears to tell them that they are not being thrown away and that you value their wants and needs so much that you are willing to let them go. To blubber through a momma speech about how they are worth more than they have been given and this is not a reflection on their worth in life. The whole time thinking that they probably don't believe me, but praying that they will hear my heart. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Every new thing seems to get harder in this line of work.

Do Not be discouraged. 

I found myself just wanting to curl up in a fetal position- to not want to be exposed to anyone or anything else. My entire heart and mind recoiled at the thought of any more human interaction because this had simply hurt too bad. The thought occurred, "how do I do this again"? So I cried and prayed and cried and prayed. I apologized to my children that they had to endure such things in our home. I apologized to my husband. Then I set myself in the ready to just make it through the next 36 hours without having any more of anyone else's world fall apart. No matter what they did, I still love those children and I want them to know that.

For the Lord your God will be with you.

Will I do this again, today I know for sure I will. God calmed my nerves and softened my heart. I'm not doing this for fairytale endings. We are broken people investing in broken lives and that gets messy- sometimes people get hurt on the sharp pieces. God didn't call me out to be safe, He called me out to be faithful. I am grieving, I am hurt, I am angry, I am confused, and I am overwhelmed with a thousand more emotions. That's okay. To hurt deeply is to love deeply and I never want to stop loving deeply.