Foster Care Reflections: How Trauma Celebrates Easter

Yesterday was Easter. For everyone around us that meant new clothes, egg hunts, big family dinners, and doing life as usual. In our home, it meant controlling the storm that was billowing in my soon-to-be adopted son. What caused this storm is anyone's guess. Was it the weather change, the routine change, the holiday without family? Perhaps it was all three. We're all detectives in this game and we don't get many clues.
While most people were dying eggs, we were soothing self-inflicted hurts. While others were picking out their special outfits for pictures, we were trying to keep the explosion contained to one room. My home and my heart are bearing the scars this morning. Last night was the worst and it went on for hours. He screamed for loved ones now gone and he screamed for me. For the first time, he screamed for me. It was a night of very complex emotions, to say the least.

This process takes its toll. There were times this weekend where I just wasn't sure if I knew what I was doing anymore. There were times where I wondered about it all. And yes, there were times where I felt resentment and then guilt for feeling that way towards a child that I loved with all my heart. As we walked into the church and saw so many families dressed so nicely and taking photos, I felt a twinge of pain for what we could not participate in. There was a bit of resentment for what could never be us because all the pomp and circumstance that the holidays have become are simply too much for the trauma kids in my family. Then I sat down and read this verse:

Galatians 1:1 Paul an apostle-sent neither by human commission nor from human authorities, but through Jesus Christ and God the Father, who raised him from the dead

This hit me right in the heart. I am on a mission too, just like Paul. I have not been sent by man, but by the Father. While I miss out on a few things here on earth that others enjoy, they in no way compare to eternity with Him. How can I complain in my heart? We talk about the power of the resurrection, but how often do we do battle where our faith in that power is tested? Without faith in that power, I would not believe that we could keep going after nights like last night. Without faith in that power, this mission would not be possible. Without this powerful faith, I couldn't make it an hour in this life. We know that Christ can defeat death and so He can defeat this in my son too. Easter is powerful!
This morning I prepare myself- heart, mind, and soul- to calm the storm should it begin to resurface, but also to care for the wounds from last nights battle with darkness. He is just a boy and he fights it hard. It is beyond the scope of my vocabulary to describe what it is like to be in the midst of such a battle. All I can say is if not for that empty tomb, I would have walked off the battlefield a long, long time ago. However, He said He was preparing a place and so I have every intention of keeping my date with Him and taking as many as I can with me. It would be rude after all to not bring guests to such a celebration!