Foster Care Reflection: When The Bubble Bursts

Almost all of us are aware of the numbers. We know the statistics. 

Every day a child is 

Abused.
           Neglected.
                          Abandoned. 

  

We've heard the numbers, the news, and the social media stories. It's not that we are uninformed, it's just that we are emotionally numb detached. These have become facts to us and nothing more. We feel sad for a moment, but then there's that cute cat video that makes us laugh and we forget all about what we just read on our news feed. They are just statistics. 


This is how we compartmentalize information to protect ourselves from deep hurts. This is how we keep our distance from potential emotional harm. This is how we live in ignorance from the frightening world outside of our bubble.

I should know, my bubble just burst.

Even in what I do, I had no idea that I was keeping my distance from the nightmare. Living every single day with these children I had no clue that I was protecting myself from the truth. Be careful when you ask God to reveal what's holding you back because He surely will! In order to protect myself, I would simply switch off my emotional side and use my logical side to analyze the facts of everything. I sorted all the "data" to make the right decisions for the children. This seems logical and reasonable and it keeps emotions from getting in the way. I can control data a whole lot easier than I can control emotions! However, it also keeps my heart from connecting to my head.

Pieces of the nightmare that have broken my soon-to-be child are being revealed to me and I don't even know how to process that kind of evil. I hurt in a way I cannot describe. The darkness almost felt like more than I could bear. It has been nearly 2 weeks of trudging through the ramifications of what has been done and realizing that the wounds may heal but the scars never will. I cannot unknow what I now know. My heart for my child cannot unbreak. My eyes cannot unsee what I have seen. My ears cannot unhear the stories and the screams. My heart is melded to my head and God is telling me that it takes both along with a whole LOT of spiritual grit to be his momma. This boy needs more than my intelligence to get him through, he needs every ounce of my love, grace, and prayer. I am his momma and nothing is going to change that. If I ever wanted to be some kind of superhero-ninja-warrior momma, ready or not, it's go time!

This is the part of foster care where you can never turn back. You can never again say that you don't know what goes on. You can never again say to yourself that you are unaware of what is happening in the shadows while you sleep in your soft, comfy bed at night. You can never again be ignorant and indifferent to the suffering of children. You are forever changed. You are forever a vessel mixed with mourning and joy, hope and sadness. You are forever a bearer of light warring against the darkness.

The deeper you love, the more it hurts yet it only increases your desire to love. That is the foster care truth. Don't be afraid of hurting, be afraid of never really feeling anything deeply enough to know true pain and true love all at the same time.