Foster Care Reflections: You Cannot Do This...

     When approaching any worthy endeavor in life we should always count the cost and prepare for the task. We should make sure that we have acquired the skills and knowledge needed for whatever journey we are about to embark on and spend time thoroughly covering the "what-if" emergency plans. It's how we cover the details and ensure that what we invest our time in will be worth our effort and end in success. It's how we ensure good results. Or at least it's how we spin our wheels trying.
     Most people who go into foster care do the same thing. We go through the training, we talk to others, we read a book and we prepare our home. We are filled in our hearts with a sense of great purpose and great dreams of how we will love hurt children all the way to healed again. Sure, we are aware that it's not all sunshine and rainbows, but we are just as sure that we are up to the task because we KNOW that we have been called! Unfortunately, no one ever really tells us that all the preparation in the world cannot fully prepare you for what walks through your door. That's when the rubber meets the road and all your training and preparation is forgotten. You're on your own. From that day forward you are tested and tried and every ounce of your faith and character is dragged out for judgment. You are refined in the fires of foster care.
     In case you're wondering, no you cannot do this. YOU are not strong enough, patient enough, nor loving enough to stick it out. I promise YOU are not. No matter how much of a saint you are, your strength can only hold so much, your patience has a limit, and your love has a bottom. You will reach your end long before the children even get warmed up. YOU cannot do this by yourself.
     God, however, has loved that child long before they were thought of. I have found no end to the love of God. His love is "everlasting to everlasting". When you think you've hit your limits and you've had enough, He says "No, you need to regroup and go back. That's my child in your home and I'm not done with either of you". When you think you've been taken advantage of too many times, when you think the birth parents have screwed up too many times, when you think the system is too messed up to work with, God reminds you that His patience is something you cannot possibly understand. He reminds you that YOUR eyes belong on HIM. YOUR focus is to be on HIM. If you take your eyes off of Him and look within yourself you will only find a limited amount of resources and the outlook will be pretty grim. The system is a mess, foster care is hard, people are broken-not a delightful sight. If you keep your eyes focused on HIM you find hope, strength, grace, joy, and everything you need provided in abundance. He does not have your prejudice, your bias judgments, your favoritism, your need for space, your selfishness, or your finite view of the heart. He doesn't look at people the way we look at people nor does He judge time the way we judge time. By keeping our eyes focused on Him, we learn to open our hearts and minds to love others the way He loves us.
     What typical training doesn't tell you is that you don't start with a good book or the "right heart", you start on your knees with the right focus. You absolutely cannot venture any further into foster care without the guidance of God and the power of the Holy Spirit. Peter didn't reach out for Christ's hand on the water as a last resort, he was already walking after Him. That's exactly how it should be with us. We should begin our journey walking after Christ first, then let Him lead us through foster care.Then and only then can we navigate the wind and waves that come with broken families in a broken world. To our human hearts, this seems impossible and terrifying; we fear the pain of loving strangers in such an intimate way. To God, this is the exact kind of life He has called us to. In the same way that He grafts us into His family, we are to model this love to the world. We are living, breathing salt and light in a way that the world cannot understand but so desperately needs.
     There are many, many days that I end up in tears overwhelmed by the task before me. I come to the end of myself. Thank God I'm not by myself. It's especially on these days that I hear that familiar whisper "keep your eyes on me". Everything then comes sharply into focus; "Feed my sheep". Foster care is my mission field, I know it as much as I know anything else. I also know I have not the strength, wisdom, grace, or depth of love to carry on one single day by myself. There isn't enough coffee in the world to keep me going day after day. Yet, I am cautious to say that I do this because I am "called" because I never want people to mistake that I feel under obligation. I am honored to be called, but I love what God has given us to do. I am compelled BECAUSE of His love and it is that love which continues to pour out onto others. It is hard and it is scary, but I absolutely love it. Even on the worst days I never, ever think of NOT fostering. Fostering feels like active love at its messy best. In Luke 6:27-36 But to you who are listening I say:

 Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. If someone slaps you on one cheek, turn to them the other also. If someone takes your coat, do not withhold your shirt from them. Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back. Do to others as you would have them do to you.“If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners love those who love them. And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners do that. And if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, expecting to be repaid in full. But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be children of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful".

Sometimes fostering feels like forcibly loving your enemies. The children don't like you or trust you (and rightfully so) and all you want to do is love them! If you get caught up in how ungrateful they are for all you're doing, then both of you lose. If, however, you stay focused on what God has commissioned you to do and see it through, He will be glorified whether you see the results or not (and that's the point anyway).
I know this was a lot, but I really wanted to press us all back home to where our focus should be in times of crisis or times of joy. We cannot minister to others in foster care if we are not being ministered to through the Holy Spirit. It's very easy to get lost in all the paperwork and meetings and appointments and behaviors and charts and whatever, whatever. It's so easy to just drown in all of it and find ourselves unsure of which way is up. It's easy to lose focus. Been there, done that, lost my t-shirt somewhere in it. Everytime, usually during a good cry, I bring it back to God. Every time. He's my pillar of fire in the darkness, He parts the sea when I'm overwhelmed, He grabs my hand when I'm sinking. I simply cannot stress it enough that there is no other first step than towards Him. If you are considering fostering, please let God thoroughly search your heart so that you are in alignment with Him first. Second, check out the resources page on our website Foster the Future. If you are currently fostering and struggling, take every moment that you can to BE WITH GOD. Let Him be your source of strength, light, joy, peace, and grace. Support from others and great and very much needed. However, others cannot fill what you need, only God can do that. May His grace and peace be abundant in your hearts and in your homes.
Kristy Nofsinger
Foster the Future-Ministry Leader