Foster Care Reflections: How Foster Care Has Made Me A Better Parent Pt.1

     Parenting is an adventure full of ups and downs, excitement and tears. Whether it's your first child or your fourth child, you always doubt yourself a bit. Parenting books are even more popular than dieting books because these tiny humans aren't born with instruction manuals! Yet, at some point we begin to fall into a comfortable routines with our children. We know them. We know their facial expressions and their laughs. We know their likes, their dislikes, their fears, and their dreams. We don't know it all, but the guesswork begins to disappear with time.
     Foster children do not afford us the luxury of time. We do not know what they were like as babies or if they have the same laugh as their grandfather. We don't know if they have any inherited diseases or personality traits. We have no clue about the secrets they hide about fears, dislikes, dreams, and desires. They are an enigma.
     To parent them we must ask lots of questions. We must become the puzzlemaster and investigate what motivates their behavior. Why do they react this certain way around certain people? What makes them not want to go to school? Why would they lie about seemingly unimportant things? What drives them? Who do they look up to? What do they fear the most? How can I love them the best? What is their love language? What do they enjoy? What kind of learner are they?
     As I got into the habit of asking all of these things with my bonus babies, I realized that I rarely did them with my own children. I took for granted that I knew what motivated my own children. Even though I logically know children develop and change, I assumed I knew what they were thinking. I stopped investigating my children in such a way that would help me know them deeper. My children were adapting and changing not only to life itself but also to every foster child who came into our home. The culture in our home would change slightly every time someone new came to live with us. We could never take for granted that we simply "knew" each other anymore. The moment I realized that I knew my bonus children better than my own was the moment I realized my parenting needed to change.
     For starters, foster parents cannot parent like any other families. Our family dynamics are completely different. This goes for our bonus babies and for our own children as well. Once that fact is understood, we can move on to the next phase which is parenting our children in the way that they need. Our children need to be understood in the same way we strive to understand each new child that walks through our door. Our children will adapt and grow throughout the fostering process so we need to be aware of this and remain curious of our budding bios. We can never take for granted that "they know we love them" because this entire process is scary for children. We can never blow off the fact that they just "know I'll always be here for them" because this system has shown them life doesn't play fair.
     In my house there are no favorites. When I was looking for the best way to design a new parenting style, I looked to Jesus. Jesus does not play favorites-rich, poor, Jew, or Gentile. So in my house, they are all my children and I do not play favorites. Every single one of them needs to know how much they are loved and that I will always be there for them. Above that, they all need to know that I am human and I will disappoint them, but God's love is everlasting to everlasting. Instead of dividing my love and trying to decide who gets my best and who gets the rest, I went with the example of Jesus and I give them His ALL poured out through me.
This is exhausting, I'm not even going to lie. Yet, if you know me you know that I find exhausting to be the most exhilirating way to live. "...They will walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31