I'm a mess. Kids are a mess. Foster care is a mess. At least we're a mess together. As much as I love children and I love the end result of reunification, I always secretly fear the middle mess of foster care. There are so many unknowns. So many things that could go wrong. So many things that DO go wrong. It's great and then it's not. You're the hero and then you're not. You're in a rhythm and then you're not. You've figured it out and then you know absolutely nothing. It's crazy and wonderful and terrifying.
This time around had been all of that times 100. Up and down and around the mountain she came. I had several breakdowns where I thought I just couldn't do this anymore. I questioned my purpose and calling in all of this. Yet, meeting and spending time with mom has been wonderful. God's grace never ran out on me. His patience with me has inspired more patience, more understanding, and even more compassion for others. I can honestly say now that I enjoy her. I enjoy watching her with HER kids. I love seeing their faces when they see her. There is no more pain in my heart. I feel a twinge of pain now only to think of not seeing HER as well as the children. It's as if God opened my heart so wide it swallowed her up too. Our family is wrapped up together by His divine plan.
I found myself at the alter the other day because of her. The weight of walking alongside her as she begins to lead her family by herself was nearly crushing. It is an honor, but also a great responsibility. My heart aches for her at the same time it rejoices in all she has accomplished. The mess I secretly feared, full of its unknowns, is here and it's a mosaic masterpiece.
I'm looking forward to much more of walking together. I'm looking forward to strengthening this new friendship and building our new family. I'm looking forward to watching her grow in strength and courage herself. I am looking forward to watching God restore their family and heal their hearts. The part so many people fear about foster care is the letting go, but this is the part where I get to step back and watch God do AMAZING work in people I love so very much. This is a time to rejoice and be excited! Being strong and courageous is a command pregnant with excitement for the journey that God has laid out ahead. Fostering is hard, but it is also so very good.
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