Foster Care Reflections: It Is Well

We are quickly approaching a time when my heart is going to be pieced out. We have lived in limbo and in a state of temporary permanency for over a year. Lives are coming to a resolution and in way I could have never imagined. Some children will be reuniting while some will be staying in my home forever. There is both joy and sadness; new bonds and deep losses. I have struggled emotionally with how to handle both grabbing on and letting go in the same family. I have struggled, as any momma would, with how to separate my heart from itself.
I believe this is the greatest fear of those who stay away from foster care. This deep unexplainable pain. I was prepared to hurt so deeply with the letting go. I was prepared to hurt deeply with them if they were staying forever. I was not prepared to experience both emotions simultaneously within the same family. I was not prepared with how badly it would hurt to have to have it ripped from me in order to give it over to God so that I might be able to finally say "it is well with my soul"...but I can now.
It took the complete unhinging of myself to realize that I needed to hold no other position than that of Jesus in the garden "not my will but yours" (Matt 26:39). Whatever was to come, however it was to take place, then it would happen with God over it all. I would walk through the water or on it, whichever He chose. I would open my heart or bleed it dry, whichever He created it for as long as my life was lived for His Kingdom and not my own. Once I finally settled my heart, my soul, and my complete mind on this, I felt my heart fracture apart and peace fill the space between holding on and letting go. It was done and it was good. Blessed be His name.
I still feel that small twinge of pain when I think of how much I will miss their beautiful souls when they are gone, however, I feel more joy than ever that I have been blessed with this time of theirs on earth. I have peace as I enjoy being present with them in this time left together. It's no longer a race to the finish line, but rather a nice walk full of meaningful conversation and laughter. My heart will always have a special momma ache for them, but it's a beautiful blessing to ache for children in this way. It means you have been blessed to feel love for one of God's greatest gifts and I wouldn't trade it for all the money in the world.