Foster Care Reflections: Counting the Cost

My life is one of joyful chaos and that is exhausting. There are days that seem to have no start and no end they just blend into the next and the next and the next. That's the nature of what we do here. My husband and I end most days so tired we barely get out an "I love you" as our heads hit the pillow before we're asleep. We're parents to a mob of kids, which means we are missionaries right here where we live. God has called us to dive into the messy lives of people we have never met, to help heal wounds we didn't create, and to fight demons we know nothing about until we meet these families. That's the life we've been called to and we wouldn't trade it for anything else, ever. It's a joyful, crazy, exhausting life. There are seasons, like now, where I feel like I'm barely hanging on. I have finals due, school is about to start for all of the kids, there are medical issues, and all of this spells change which I JUST DON'T DEAL WITH WELL. That means momma goes a little bit cray cray inside for a while. Deep breaths.
This is the season where I have been thinking about the cost. I've never considered the monetary cost of what we do. I've just really begun to notice the emotional toll of what we do. I've realized the spiritual warfare we fight on an hourly basis in what we do. When Jesus tells us to count the cost in following Him, this is what He means. I have begun to look at the things from a realistic perspective. I choose to count the cost because I never want satan to have the upper hand in this area in making any of us feel like we "missed out". I believe in laying it all out before God so there is nothing left in secret for satan.

In the same way the sun never grows weary of shining, nor a stream of flowing, it is God's nature to keep His promises. Therefore, go immediately to His throne and say, 'Do as You promised.' Charles Spurgeon

Foster care is a labor of love, but it is costly for everyone involved in every way. I am constantly asked to do things, be a part of things, volunteer for things, attend things, etc. There are things that I WANT to do constantly popping up. I want to tackle things around the house, I want to be better about communication with people, to attend more group things, I want to go on a date with my husband, to be more involved with the schools, to finish my degree quicker, to read for fun.......It's like sitting in front of a computer screen with constant pop-up ads that you must decide which you have time to look at and which ones you must close. Knowing you are only one person with two eyeballs, you close 99% of the ads. My life is a constant counting the cost of what I do by saying "No" to things so that I can continue to give my best to what God has called me to do.
I gauge my stamina, my capabilities, my gifts and I must decide what to spend them on in a given period of time. Let's be honest, at any time I could just say no to this life of foster care and I could have all the freedom I wanted to do with my time the way I wanted. I could walk away from all of this (if I could find a way to cut out my heart!). I choose instead to say no to things so that I can say yes to loving children who so desperately want to be loved. I choose to say no to that vacation so that I can yes to that sibling set that wants to be together laughing and enjoying each other in a home that's safe. I choose to say no to "peace and calm" to say yes to allowing children to work through scary emotions that are too big for their little bodies. You see, I cannot save the world from the darkness and brokenness. I cannot save this world from all the hurt and loneliness that causes so many to cry out. I can be the light in the darkness for a few children though. I can give up a few luxuries here in this temporary home, so that the love and grace of our Savior can touch the lives of countless broken children. I counted the cost and to me, it seemed like nothing at all. My Savior paid with His life for my life, I'm giving up "things" so that innocent children can know what His love is, how can the two compare?
In this season, these are the things I think about a lot. The days are still a blur of caffeine and kids, my house is still not Pinterest worthy, and I still will not be able to attend most adult functions. It is what it is. And this isn't where this ends. This life doesn't just happen once. It happens again and again and again. There are children and families going through this cycle more times than I even care to mention. In this mission field, the seasons repeat and you learn to weather them out but you never forget the ONE who brings the harvest and the help. God has brought some amazing people into my life this harvest season which I simply cannot put into words how thankful I am. God knows how to strengthen us in every way, even by the people He brings into our lives! When I count the cost, I try to count the reward, but I just can't. He gives far more each day than deserve. I honestly have no idea how anyone lives this life without Him.