Throwback to the foster care beginning: Poor in Spirit
"It is easy to recite for our creed--"I believe that salvation is through Christ alone and wholly." But how hard is it to see our vileness and guilt--our abominable filthiness, our loathsomeness, and our hopeless condemnation except Christ be applied to our souls in his offices and relations as Redeemer, Savior, Sanctifier, Teacher and King. How hard to know this as we know what we see and hear without eyes and ears." Prof C.Finney
I have been going down a long dark road for a time now. Trial upon trial has been heaped upon me. Comfort after comfort has been removed from me. I kept telling myself to "trust God" & soon this would be over. If I could just hold on long enough. "Long enough" just kept getting longer though. As I always do, I began to reflect & ask the question,"Maybe I'm missing something here. What am I not seeing that God is trying to show me?" I am a firm believer that nothing happens to us, as believers, that doesn't pass through God's hands first. I also believe, He will let these trials ruffle our feathers so He can get our attention or sand us down so He can mold us into who HE wants us to be...maybe both. Even Hebrews 5:8 says" Jesus is God's own Son, but still he had to suffer before he could learn what it really means to obey God." So I tried with all my might to look this way & that way for a lesson. I summoned all my Bible knowledge I could to apply & still I came up with nothing except the story of David & Saul. David is chosen, but he kept serving Saul & then running for his life & crying out to God for help. All the while, all he could do was wait on God's plan to come full circle. David was out of options, out of wisdom, out of friends. David had no one, but God & that's where I felt. That's when my devotional book reminded me of the Sermon on the Mount & the part that says "Blessed are the poor in spirit..."
Poor in spirit is something I don't think I've ever felt before. Emptied of all my options, all my wisdom, all my own hope, all my self, that's pretty poor & not very pretty. As I read on & studied this one, I realized that my feeling of total helplessness is exactly where I should be. Though I'm not jumping up & down shouting praises, it doesn't mean something is wrong. God has systematically removed everything that I looked to for assurance & comfort instead of Him. These last few days, I have been feeling down on myself because I had nothing to offer Christ, but a helpless, worthless, worn-out me. What I didn't realize was that this whole time God had been revealing parts of myself I had been holding back, parts of myself still in sin, & parts of myself where He could not enter in. What I thought made me less than desirable to Christ, was all that He wanted all along. He wanted me, emptied of myself & my own ideas & my own "wisdom" & my rocks of comfort. He wanted me to look at Him alone, rely on Him alone, & trust in Him alone. He was not going to let me out of this mess until I let go of every last hold I had on my circumstances & on myself. He was going to let me keep going until I gave up & turned to Him alone. Poor in spirit doesn't mean I'm something to be despised, as I felt until today. It says "they belong to the Kingdom of Heaven!"
It's not a great feeling, I will admit, being emptied of everything, but looking at God's promise makes me understand why it's necessary. I want this to happen. I went from praying Paul's prayer of removing my thorn to praying today that God will keep it there! I don't want to go back to being "independent". I don't want to rely on me or my comforts again. If this is what it takes to bring me closer to God, if this is what I must go through to make me lose all self-reliance, then God is answering the prayer I've prayed all along. I want to be more like Him & nothing like me. I know what I am like. I am a selfish, sinful, foolish person. I am someone who doesn't deserve Heaven. I may be a Christian, but oh how desperately I still need a Savior!
I cried as I read about what it means to be "poor in spirit". It didn't make me feel "spiritual", it revealed just how poor I am, how desperate I am for Christ. But Paul said "when I am weak, then I am strong." He knew only when he was at this point could he gain the only true strength that exists & that in Jesus Christ. Now as I lay empty & poured out at the feet of Jesus, I must allow Him to build me up. None of my vices matter anymore. If He chose not to give me strength I would die for I have nothing left, but Him. I don't expect miracles as some call miracles, but I do expect Him to build in me a new life. To me that is a miracle. To be rich in Christ & poor in spirit is more than I could ever deserve. God save me if I try to fill up on myself again!
The next one in Matthew says "Blessed are they that mourn for they shall be comforted."Some suggest perhaps this follows because once you become poor in spirit, you realize what a sinful wretch you are & you mourn. In my circumstance that definitely seems the case. So again, I'm taking comfort in God's promise. It's both funny & absolutely amazing how at just the right time God's word leaps into action in my life. Like a counselor who always says the right thing, at the right time, God's Word explains my life & tells me what to do next. As a Christian, this should not surprise me anymore, but I'm so glad it does. God's Word is still surprising & exciting & I can't get enough! I guess if I wasn't poor in spirit I wouldn't go looking for the riches of God. One more reason, I pray I never forget how desperate I am & where my riches are found. Blessed are the poor in spirit indeed! For when I am the weakest, then & only then, shall I be truly strong.
I have been going down a long dark road for a time now. Trial upon trial has been heaped upon me. Comfort after comfort has been removed from me. I kept telling myself to "trust God" & soon this would be over. If I could just hold on long enough. "Long enough" just kept getting longer though. As I always do, I began to reflect & ask the question,"Maybe I'm missing something here. What am I not seeing that God is trying to show me?" I am a firm believer that nothing happens to us, as believers, that doesn't pass through God's hands first. I also believe, He will let these trials ruffle our feathers so He can get our attention or sand us down so He can mold us into who HE wants us to be...maybe both. Even Hebrews 5:8 says" Jesus is God's own Son, but still he had to suffer before he could learn what it really means to obey God." So I tried with all my might to look this way & that way for a lesson. I summoned all my Bible knowledge I could to apply & still I came up with nothing except the story of David & Saul. David is chosen, but he kept serving Saul & then running for his life & crying out to God for help. All the while, all he could do was wait on God's plan to come full circle. David was out of options, out of wisdom, out of friends. David had no one, but God & that's where I felt. That's when my devotional book reminded me of the Sermon on the Mount & the part that says "Blessed are the poor in spirit..."
Poor in spirit is something I don't think I've ever felt before. Emptied of all my options, all my wisdom, all my own hope, all my self, that's pretty poor & not very pretty. As I read on & studied this one, I realized that my feeling of total helplessness is exactly where I should be. Though I'm not jumping up & down shouting praises, it doesn't mean something is wrong. God has systematically removed everything that I looked to for assurance & comfort instead of Him. These last few days, I have been feeling down on myself because I had nothing to offer Christ, but a helpless, worthless, worn-out me. What I didn't realize was that this whole time God had been revealing parts of myself I had been holding back, parts of myself still in sin, & parts of myself where He could not enter in. What I thought made me less than desirable to Christ, was all that He wanted all along. He wanted me, emptied of myself & my own ideas & my own "wisdom" & my rocks of comfort. He wanted me to look at Him alone, rely on Him alone, & trust in Him alone. He was not going to let me out of this mess until I let go of every last hold I had on my circumstances & on myself. He was going to let me keep going until I gave up & turned to Him alone. Poor in spirit doesn't mean I'm something to be despised, as I felt until today. It says "they belong to the Kingdom of Heaven!"
It's not a great feeling, I will admit, being emptied of everything, but looking at God's promise makes me understand why it's necessary. I want this to happen. I went from praying Paul's prayer of removing my thorn to praying today that God will keep it there! I don't want to go back to being "independent". I don't want to rely on me or my comforts again. If this is what it takes to bring me closer to God, if this is what I must go through to make me lose all self-reliance, then God is answering the prayer I've prayed all along. I want to be more like Him & nothing like me. I know what I am like. I am a selfish, sinful, foolish person. I am someone who doesn't deserve Heaven. I may be a Christian, but oh how desperately I still need a Savior!
I cried as I read about what it means to be "poor in spirit". It didn't make me feel "spiritual", it revealed just how poor I am, how desperate I am for Christ. But Paul said "when I am weak, then I am strong." He knew only when he was at this point could he gain the only true strength that exists & that in Jesus Christ. Now as I lay empty & poured out at the feet of Jesus, I must allow Him to build me up. None of my vices matter anymore. If He chose not to give me strength I would die for I have nothing left, but Him. I don't expect miracles as some call miracles, but I do expect Him to build in me a new life. To me that is a miracle. To be rich in Christ & poor in spirit is more than I could ever deserve. God save me if I try to fill up on myself again!
The next one in Matthew says "Blessed are they that mourn for they shall be comforted."Some suggest perhaps this follows because once you become poor in spirit, you realize what a sinful wretch you are & you mourn. In my circumstance that definitely seems the case. So again, I'm taking comfort in God's promise. It's both funny & absolutely amazing how at just the right time God's word leaps into action in my life. Like a counselor who always says the right thing, at the right time, God's Word explains my life & tells me what to do next. As a Christian, this should not surprise me anymore, but I'm so glad it does. God's Word is still surprising & exciting & I can't get enough! I guess if I wasn't poor in spirit I wouldn't go looking for the riches of God. One more reason, I pray I never forget how desperate I am & where my riches are found. Blessed are the poor in spirit indeed! For when I am the weakest, then & only then, shall I be truly strong.
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