Bonus: And then there were 8...

One of the much-anticipated changes is now set in motion and we will be welcoming 2 more little precious souls into our home this weekend. It's temporary for now while we all get to know each other, but it is with a heavy heart wrapped in joyful anticipation that they will soon find a permanent home here. If you've been counting, yes that means we now have 8 and I still think there's room in my heart for more :) This is not what we planned for when we began this journey. But then again, we never planned for this journey to begin with! I had high hopes of working in an orphanage one day, but as a good friend once told me, "it looks like God has brought the orphanage to you". Since the first step of the first journey, my husband and I have not looked back. Even now, I look forward to the lessons and the new journey. They say "begin with the end in mind", and that's all fine and good. However, when it comes to fostering you begin with an attainable, realistic goal in mind, but you live each day as it comes. I have zero delusions that there will not be trauma involved in each of these precious children. I have no fairytale ending in mind; I have a God-filled eternity in mind and those are 2 very different things. I have been told by doctors for several years that I suffer from PTSD and extreme emotional stress from suppressed childhood trauma. I refused to talk about it because I did not want to be one of those statistics. Now those "statistics" are under my roof. I know the pain, I know what healing should happen, but I also KNOW God is God even over the deepest, darkest wounds imaginable. Their wounds do not scare me because I know God is bigger than the wounds they carry.
Now, I would be lying if I told you that there was not anxiety and worry and even a little mommy-self-conscious-fear involved with this process. As the day grows closer, I feel each breath become something harder to control. Is it a coincidence that this week our study has been on contentment? I'm pretty sure that was absolutely NOT a coincidence. I need to be content in any circumstance so in the event that something does not happen as planned, it's still OKAY. I need to be set on Him, grounded in Him, devoted to Him, and absolutely fulfilled by HIM or this foster life will break me.
Today, after I knew for sure it was happening, I came to Psalm 139: 14-18

I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

Wonderful are your works;

    my soul knows it very well.

 My frame was not hidden from you,

when I was being made in secret,

    intricately woven in the depths of the earth.

 Your eyes saw my unformed substance;

in your book were written, every one of them,

    the days that were formed for me,

    when as yet there was none of them.

 How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!

    How vast is the sum of them!

 If I would count them, they are more than the sand.

    I awake, and I am still with you.

My days are numbered and counted and written out by a Sovereign God who loves ALL the families involved more than I can fathom. This is no surprise to Him, the outcome is not unknown to Him and this is where I find peace enough. When I begin to magnify my inadequacies as a mom, this verse tells me to stop and remember who has made me "wonderful". Is it going to be hard? Is it going to stretch me? Is it going to bring me to my knees daily, hourly? I'm gonna go ahead and say yes to all! And I'm okay with that because just like I said earlier today, I know that He CAN deliver me from every storm, every fire, every enemy and that's enough for me. Sometimes He's going to stand up next to me and command the waves to be still. Sometimes He's going to call me out onto the water in the middle of those frightening waves and then tell me to "Be still and know that I am God". 

So, here we go. We march into a land unknown, but with the promise that He goes with us. 

I will go before you

    and level the exalted places,

I will break in pieces the doors of bronze

    and cut through the bars of iron,

I will give you the treasures of darkness

    and the hoards in secret places,

that you may know that it is I, the Lord,

    the God of Israel, who call you by your name. Is 45:2-3