Foster Care Reflections: Lighting the Darkness

Some days you think you have it all figured it out...and then you wake up to reality. I struggle a lot in this life with giving up control and letting God have it all. I'm a planner and I like having my lists! I even like making lists of lists. I knew there might be a problem when person after person paid me the compliment of "Wow, you must be really organized"...that's code for crazy. #truth #hotmess
This last week God really pressed on me that it was time to turn over a mountain of a struggle to Him and leave it there. I KNEW I was to not even look into it anymore. So hard! I'm not even going to lie, it was one of the hardest things to do. However, He made it very clear and after 2 days I chose Him. That's what it really comes down to after all. Do we choose Him or our problem? So, I chose Him and there was so much peace. As you can probably guess, I was tested on that choice just 3 days later and I failed pretty miserably. My control-freak brain went into overdrive and tried to do damage control. Only after driving myself crazy did I even realize that I had ripped that problem right out of God's hand! I know, we've all been there done that.

For you, O Lord, are good and forgiving,
    abounding in steadfast love to all who call upon you.
Give ear, O Lord, to my prayer;
    listen to my plea for grace.Psalm 86:5-6

I went to my closet so I could be alone and just began the honesty talk with God. In that talk, I told Him how I felt like He as asking me to light the darkness with nothing but a candle and that felt impossible! That's when it hit me. The fact that He gave me a candle is an act of grace. He doesn't need a candle to light the darkness, my human weakness needs a stupid candle as something tangible to hold onto. When I want to complain about the little things, He wants me to understand that the little things are His gifts of grace. I was humbled in that moment and filled with such gratitude that I cannot even explain it. Here I was feeling sorry for myself because I was being tested (and not passing) when in reality I was being ungrateful for the gifts I was already given. His grace is sufficient and in my weakness, I discover depths of love like I've never known.

I give thanks to you, O Lord my God, with my whole heart,
    and I will glorify your name forever.
 For great is your steadfast love toward me;
    you have delivered my soul from the depths of Sheol. Psalm 86:12-13

Sometimes in the crisis of life and foster care, we lose sight of all the good because we feel like we are drowning in all the negative. The storms arise and we soon forget where our help and strength come from. We may lash out like Moses or turn away like David or try to do it our way like Abraham. We lose focus, we lose heart, we lose trust; in our life, that's easy to do on a daily basis. We have to remember that defying the darkness is not dependant on the weapon in our hand, but on the attitude in our heart. It is by His grace we have been called and it is through Him we receive all that we need. Light up the dark, my friends!

For you are great and do wondrous things;
    you alone are God.
Teach me your way, O Lord,
    that I may walk in your truth;
    unite my heart to fear your name.Psalm 86:10-11